Why is this sidewalk like this?

IMG_9603Guess 1: This actually feels straight when downing a 40 of Mickey’s (or similarly popular West Milwaukee libation).
Guess 2: No one is going to steal a shopping cart from the nearby Menards because you know it’s going to have a jacked up wheel that already makes it impossible to steer and they won’t get 20 feet before realizing it’s not worth the effort for the $3 worth of the cans in it and that actually, the busted up baby stroller is still the way to go.

Hello old friend, I’ve been waiting for you.

IMG_9624 This about sums it up.

Don’t worry, there’s nothing creepy about this post; it’s just that it’s Wisconsin state Fair time again! Starting this Thursday my digestive system embarks on a 10 day culinary roller coaster unmatched by anything it sees the rest of the year. From deep fried delights to a soothing flavor rainbow of milk (the ups) to…well you can imagine the downs (let’s just say the downs are much more tolerable if I make it out of the fair grounds before they hit – I speak from experience).

So let’s cut right to the chase, what am I excited about this year? It’d be easier to list what I’m not excited about but here are some highlights anyway:

New foods to try:

Deep Fried Racine Kringle – Already a favorite of mine, can deep frying really improve it?
Bacon wrapped Cherrywood Smoked Pork Belly – The foodie’s choice, too fancy for the fair? We’ll see.
Bacon wrapped Cheddar Melt – It’s a maybe at this point, but I will be consuming something bacon wrapped.
Cheesy Nutella Melt – Sounds gross right? That’s why I’m your guy to try it.
Chicken-n-Waffle Cone – Meat served in dessert format. Why wouldn’t I eat this.
Deep Fried Maple Bacon Cookie Dough – Made deep fried cookie dough egg rolls once in college, overdosed on ’em.* (Yeah, I was pretty hardcore.)
Lug Nuts On-a-Stick – Something about tots, jalapeños, and bacon. Basically I like the name, it’s on a stick.
Mac-n-Cheese Pizza Cone – I really enjoyed the normal pizza cone so this can only be amazing.
Peanut Butter Bacon Bison Burger – Bison is a bit dry so I think Peanut Butter is just what it needs. Or probably not but I don’t care, it’s going to become part of me.
Turkey Donut – The meat donut for the calorie counter, because turkey is better for you right? Skip the gym after this one!

And what won’t I try?

Dynamite Sticks – You play with fire, you’re going to get burned. Dynamite? Yikes.
Mango Turkey Dog – Bleh.
Python Spring Roll – The only pythons I’ll be seeing at the fair are the ones under my shirt sleeves – toned from lifting all that food to my mouth.
Roasted Veggie Wrap – Is this a mistake?
Tijuana Bacon Dog – Not eating anything named after Tijuana – that’s asking for trouble.

And there you have it. More to come, starting Thursday!

Happy fairing!


*Remember this Chaffee?

Summerfest ’14 Observations

What more can be said about the world’s largest music festival that hasn’t already been said? Probably nothing worthwhile, but here’s my two cents anyway.

If you’re going to eat at Summerfest, eat a Saz’s Sampler. Mozzarella sticks, cheese curds, and chive fries – a pile of fried golden goodness for you and a friend to share. Obviously Tara and I get our own so we don’t have to share.


Whilst filling your face and trying not to drip marinara on your shorts (mission impossible) take a moment to do some people watching. This years focus group? Old guys. This demographic – not generally known for their fashion sense – doesn’t fail to live up to that standard at Summerfest but gets an A for effort. Some go with the beach vacation souvenir shirt that proves they know how to party (woman in bikini on it a plus for the creepster level boost). Then you’ve got the dress loafers with no socks and a nice pair of khaki shorts guy – fine I guess – if you like your feet sweating and smelling like balls.SocklessLoafersUp top it’s usually a button down floral print shirt that says, “I let loose, but not too much because I’m a business man.” The pièce de résistance of any man over 50’s wardrobe is the “Old Guys Rule” t shirt – there is nothing I can say about those beyond stating the fact that not only do they exist but they are oddly popular. (Peruse the large selection here.) I count the years until I can wear one and embarrass the crap out of my family.

Other random observations include, David Gruber walking past with a bright red shirt and bright white sport coat. Way to fight that scumbag lawyer image with a classy wardrobe Dave. He also accessorized with a bodyguard two steps behind him. I suppose he needs it…I mean, I kinda wanted to punch him in the face.

There was this guy (duplicated many times around the grounds).

Screenshot 2014-07-02 22-19-49 2014-07-02 22-20-55

Dude, your haircut is the mullet of our generation. If everyone isn’t openly mocking you now, they will be in 20 years. Have fun with that.

Certain members of the fairer sex, not to be outdone by the above look, opts for the half shaved head. (A popular choice amongst hipsters and their offshoot groups). This is quite possibly the worst thing ever. I refuse to share imagery.

Proving that I may actually already be an old guy myself, I had never heard any Five Finger Death Punch prior to spending some time in line for a drink near their stage. My take? To quote Dennis Green, “they are who we thought they were”. Favorite quote from the stage was, “Anyone see Lady Gaga last night?” (Mostly silence with a smattering of boos.) “Well, I call her Lady Goo Goo.” I didn’t get it but was extremely disappointed in the lacklusterness of the insult considering the stream of obscenities that had been previously used to pump up the crowd.

And that’s it. Oh yeah, we saw some good music too but that’s not why you’re here.