Situational Manliness


Tara and I were at a Jamba Juice recently and I couldn’t decide what fruit smoothie to get. I explained to Tara that I couldn’t get any of the ones with soy in them because soy produces estrogen and I didn’t need any of that in my body – I already only have situational manliness.

What is situational manliness? Well, you know, if there is a centipede on the ceiling I might need to attach all the extensions to the vacuum hose, plant my feet as far away as I can, and then reach out to suck that thing safely away. If it happens to see me coming and it takes off (how are they so fast?) I might scream a little, close my eyes, and stab wildly at the ceiling with the crevice tool until that demon bug is whisked away to its dusty grave. That is – perhaps – a situation lacking in manliness. On the other hand, a manly situation might be if someone were to cut me off in a parking lot and I were to follow them into Home Depot verbally berating them all the way. (Note requirements for this situation are skin tone lighter than mine and height/weight under 6ft 200lbs – I realize this limits me to hipsters and IT professionals but this puts those demographics on notice not to mess with me).

What’s the point? The point is that staying away from soy – even at Jamba Juice – might just make me more of a man. Now excuse me while I go lift something heavy.