Situational Manliness

Jambamenu

Tara and I were at a Jamba Juice recently and I couldn’t decide what fruit smoothie to get. I explained to Tara that I couldn’t get any of the ones with soy in them because soy produces estrogen and I didn’t need any of that in my body – I already only have situational manliness.

What is situational manliness? Well, you know, if there is a centipede on the ceiling I might need to attach all the extensions to the vacuum hose, plant my feet as far away as I can, and then reach out to suck that thing safely away. If it happens to see me coming and it takes off (how are they so fast?) I might scream a little, close my eyes, and stab wildly at the ceiling with the crevice tool until that demon bug is whisked away to its dusty grave. That is – perhaps – a situation lacking in manliness. On the other hand, a manly situation might be if someone were to cut me off in a parking lot and I were to follow them into Home Depot verbally berating them all the way. (Note requirements for this situation are skin tone lighter than mine and height/weight under 6ft 200lbs – I realize this limits me to hipsters and IT professionals but this puts those demographics on notice not to mess with me).

What’s the point? The point is that staying away from soy – even at Jamba Juice – might just make me more of a man. Now excuse me while I go lift something heavy.

Mr. Mom

Mrmom

No, this has nothing to do with the 1983 Michael Keaton classic. Instead of Batman, it was me playing Mr. Mom this time. Tara was at a conference in Salt Lake City for the better part of a week so Beckett and I were holding down the fort and learning a thing or two in the process. Here’s some of the pearls of wisdom I gleaned from our time alone:

1.  FaceTime = nightmares = no sleep. The first night away, Tara called in on her iPhone to FaceTime with Beckett and he liked it. But that night he woke up every other hour crying inconsolably and I can only imagine its because he thought his mom was trapped in dad’s phone a la some modern day version of Poltergeist.

2.  Having Mickey’s Christmas Carol still saved on the TIVO is like having baby tranquilizers in the medicine cabinet. A 3:00am showing was the only thing that got Beckett calm enough to go back to sleep that first night.

3.  Kids and bosses have (horribly) impeccable timing. I had to work from home on Friday to be able to watch Beckett and not burn a vacation day. I figured I could get everything I needed done between cartoons, nap time, and bed time. Well, the 8:00 am conference call was interrupted by Beckett’s 8:01 wake up time. The first phone call from the boss came midst poop wiping (Beckett’s not mine). The second phone call from the boss came as I was lifting slippery Beckett from his bath. And on and on. The two of them must have collaborated and said,”hey, let’s pick about 5 total minutes out of the whole day and mess with Adam to make him look bad.”

4.  Sharing your fruit smoothy with a baby to quiet them down is kind of like robbing Peter to pay Paul – the ensuing blow-out was not worth the quiet time.

5.  Nap time is contagious.

6.  Bacon is the way God intended breakfast to be. Frying the rest of my breakfast sandwich in the bacon pan – even better. (Basically this one is here because I only felt comfortable cooking like this away from the judging eyes of other adults). I may have also tried frying cookie dough in a frying pan…maybe.

7.  Kid’s cartoons are strangely addicting – I needed to find out if Dora, Boots, and Little Red Rooster were going to be able to wake up the sun – because, said the Rooster, “My cock-a-doodle can’t wake anything up.” I don’t care if Beckett lost interest 10 minutes ago – I’m watching the rest. I later watched Pooh and the gang race their “Pooh sticks” down the creek. Seriously. Who writes this stuff?

8.  Blogging is a great way to procrastinate writing a paper for school.

9.  I could be a stay at home Dad but I wouldn’t get anything done – we’re ready for Tara and her multitasking skills to come home.

10.  I don’t know, nobody said this was a top ten list.

Accidentally Racist

Southridgemall_oldfoodcourt_280

We were eating lunch at the mall foodcourt last weekend when – in the middle of mowing down a Grand Escape from Steak Escape – I decided I probably owed it to Beckett to provide him something to drink despite the fact that it was his own fault he was thirsty from eating all my salty homestyle fries. So, I went over to Arby’s to get him something and the following exchange between myself and the cashier went down:

Cashier: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’ll just have a kid’s milk.

Cashier: What kind?

Me: A white one.

Cashier: (Long awkward pause) You want a white kids meal?!

Me: Ohhhhhhh. No. I said milk, not meal.

Cashier: Ok. We have that.

Me: Sorry about that.

Cashier: 79 cents please.

 

Marketing

P297

Sometimes I want to buy things I don’t need just because of the name and/or packaging. This is one of those times. Plus, you know the marketing person at Wippity Wipes Inc. or whatever it’s called just got the name for this from their 3 year old kid – and I’m ok with that.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I did not purchase this product as I am still saddled with what must amount to a queen size sheet worth of of Sham Somethings I couldn’t resist buying at state fair. Gotta stick to the one marginally useful cleaning device purchase per year rule.

Day 8: Lake Titicaca

Titicaca

Tara was looking at trips to Peru and found this snippet for me; knowing that when you combine the word motor-boat with the world’s greatest lake name – you have gold.

If your order is Wong…

P284

Return it!

It’s kind of weird that there is a posted return policy at Wong’s Wok but I’m sure it’s also necessary. The only problem I have is that it requires, “the plate of food where the discrepancy took place” but that won’t help me when the discrepancy takes place in my small intestine…